maugorn (maugorn) wrote,

Halloween Limericks 2017

All of the Halloween Limericks for 2017 were requests!
One of them was from earlier in the year at an SCA event.

Wallachia's scary at night
We fled the train station in fright
Not chased by undead
Or monsters, instead
'Twas polka bands lurking on site

They claimed they had nothing to hide
The day Erin Kennedy died
When pressed for a cause
The coroner paused
And said "Inconclusive." He lied

The warning, of course, came too late
Maria went out on that date
Her screams, heard for miles
Shook houses, broke tiles
We shudder to think of her fate

Elisa Ballou never died
Despite going solo outside
By vampire ghoul
With sinister tools
"Worst Halloween EVER!" she cried

Jan cooed and cried "Oh, what a beaut!
That critter's so cuddly and cute!"
The leprosic squirrel
Infected the girl
Her lips fell off. Now, she's a mute.

Juls sighed; "Oh how grand it would be
If I were consumed by the sea.
I'm very resolved
To be all dissolved
With everyone swimming in ME!"

John suffered a dull, aching lack
Of thrills, so decided to hack
His pacemaker's beat
And died in the street
While dancing to "Sheer Heart Attack"

They laughed and called Margaret "lame"
For playing her video games
"It's Halloween night!
Come out for a fright"
The obits, next day, had their names.

It wasn't enough of a show
For Sean to breathe fire and blow
But when he passed gas
With torch by his ass
The fire destroyed Marlborough

Some hunters while sharing a toke
Once offered young Brian a smoke
They asked "Are you game?"
He said "That's my name!"
They shot him, of course. That's the joke

Mike thought that they'd misspelled the line
On the "Wholesale Re-tail" sign
His new tail was nice
And for a great price
The wording was there by design!

"They all called me ugly and bad!
It made so angry and sad!"
He wiped their blood off
And stifled a cough
When cleaned up, she wasn't so bad

I'll tell you what happened to Tim
One day he crawled out on a limb
It snapped and he fell
And gave out a yell
But that's not what killed him. 'Twas Jim

The rumours of Ellen are true
She curates a horrible zoo
The horrible beasts
Have horrible feasts
On any who come for the view

Of Young Ashley's fate, best beware
She found herself quite unprepared
Indulging in pinks
And spiced honey drinks
She ended up eaten by bears

Dear Talyn, I'll never forget
The magical night that we met
You gave me a rose
Then fed me to crows
But kissed me once, so- no regret

When Holly was luckily graced
With seats for a rocket ship race
A meteor struck
That ended her luck
She died getting sucked into space

When Crystal came back from the dead
She acted all puzzled and said
"It's so cold and clammy
And where are my jammies?"
She asked for a hug, but they fled

Vern died (told officially):
With honour, peace and dignity
While quenching his thirst
Our story's rehearsed
The truth, well, it's classified, see?

Remember how Kelly survived
That film with that guy and those knives?
The sequel's quite apt
Now, it's Kelly who's snapped
And taking those teenagers' lives

The tale, officially
Is Donna was lost out at see
Those visionless gits
Refuse to admit
She was taken by pirate faeries

She led all the clones in a chant:
"It's Repli-CAN not Repli-CAN'T!"
She worked day and night
For their human rights
Daukantis refused to recant

The Elves did triumphantly shout
"We've taken those dumb Faeries OUT!"
But not how you think
'Twas dinner and drink
And happily strolling about

Our Greykell's so very adored
It's said that she never gets bored
Except when she's rushed
Or flattened, or crushed
By fans hanging on every word

The pile of kittens enticed
"Come join us. We're so soft and nice
So Keri complied.
And that's how she died
Her love of fluff came at a price

Del's death made the news, the front page!
It wasn't because of his age
Though 99's great
It was an irate
Husband with murderous rage

Jim's tale's a caution when told
Of love of guitars that are old
For in this one shop
Where he liked to stop
He found one that swallowed his soul

We knew that poor Bruce wouldn't last
The marshes of Markland's dark past
The mists of the swamp
Where he liked to stomp
Is haunted by dread Arbogast

Dear Robyn seems such a good egg
She'll lend you an arm, or a leg
But time to pay back-
It's _your_ limbs she'll hack
Despite how you whine, plead, or beg

Upon a ski slope north of Hell
Chris met with a Yeti named Nell
And from their first kiss
He knew he'd found bliss
She ate him, but loved him as well

They say that the Hitchiker's Guide
Has Traci Ann listed inside
Though harmless she plays
Beware of her ways
She's left planets blown open wide

"I'm sick of the drama and scenes!"
Screamed Jeff while dismembering teens
But missed all the noise
From those girls and boys
So he grew them all back from their spleens

So Windy thought that she'd adore
A coffee shop labelled "Mordor"
She didn't survive
"This coffee's ALIVE"
She gurgled, then fell to the floor
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